It’s Time to Have Some Hard Conversations

Some months ago a friend of mine had a disappointing encounter with a co-worker. He was not angry but realized that kind of behavior could not go unaddressed. He said to me, “I think it’s time I have a ‘hard conversation’ with the person.”  Most of us see those kinds of moments as confrontational and therefore, we try to steer clear of them because they create so much internal and external tension. We do not like to confront the person who is holding things back or slowing down the process. In church we often allow disrespectful behavior to be the norm and in the process we redefine what it means to be like Christ.

I think it is time for us to put hard conversations in our toolkit. Let me explain why. It is our behavior that really defines what is important to us. Our behavior is the clear expression of our core values and really expresses how well those values have permeated the church. If the behavior of the members is more consistent with that of the disciples than Jesus, then obviously we have not had the core values of Christ change those behaviors.

I am forever impressed by what Jesus did when he saw the behavior contradiction. The best example is on the plains of Caesarea of Philippi. Simon Peter gave an impassioned declaration that Jesus was the Christ and was renamed by the Lord for his observation. Yet in the next second the wrong things are coming out of his mouth, and the Lord rebukes him openly. Now all of our conversations do not have to be in front of a group, but when behavior threatens to redefine the church and take away the image of Christ, a hard conversation has to be held.

In management, this is called giving feedback. The aim of which is to be rid of the negative behavior and clearly working in line with the goals and objectives. The particular method of feedback I want to use is one that I learned some years ago. It is the acrostic I.D.E.A. and it works. It’s easy to remember and easy to employ.

Identify the situation and concern.

Describe the behavior that is at issue.

Explain why this is unacceptable.

Action- Directed Action taken to make sure it does not happen again.

Let’s see how it works in a real case. Your staff meeting is held every Tuesday morning at 10am. An email communicates this prior to the meeting.  Each week one member of the staff comes in 15 minutes late, as you are going over the details of each assignment. It is disruptive. You are tired of tolerating this and realize a hard conversation must be held. This does not mean you do not like the person or are mad with them. It means the behavior is not consistent with the tone you are trying to set.

You schedule to meet with the person and Identify the issue. “Each week you come into the staff meeting 15 minutes late. An email was sent out to alert everyone of the time of the meeting.” Describe the impact. “When you come late to the meeting everyone’s attention is directed toward you and they lose focus on what we are discussing.” Explain the impact on you. “I then have to go back and try to get them on board. I only have a limited amount of time and this hinders the progress. If I do not cover all of the materials my superiors will be ranting. Your actions are causing me to look bad in my performance and causing me to have to cover the material over again. This is all about the impact of their actions on your ability to perform your task and the organizations ability to complete its mission.” Action we agree upon. “I do expect you to be on time for the meeting from now on and this will not be a problem. If it persist we will have to look at the issue and do so in a different light.”

Try working with this model and see how handy it is for having hard conversations. Identify, Describe, Explain, and the Action that will keep the behavior from resurfacing. Let’s try giving feed back. You can use it for negative situations and positive situations. It is a necessary and important component of the social contract. It gives persons an indication of their performance and their perception. Don’t avoid, try it and as the commercial says, “Try It You’ll Like it!”

-Bishop

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